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THE LANGUAGE WE SPEAK

This is how the wounded find their way – through the language of silence.

When my father was dying, I called my brother who was living in Montreal at the time. He
\was in the middle of a round of golf with friends. Within the space of ten minutes, he was in his car bypassing any change of clothes or speaking with anyone at length about what was going on or grabbing any food for the 5+ hour journey. He missed our dad's passing by twenty minutes. He felt sorrow for losing that gracious moment of farewell. He felt guilt for his absence. And while it's unfair to lay blame upon oneself for such a thing – he still felt it.

That is precisely the time we need to speak in a universal tongue.
And what is the language? It's the language found only in silence. The language of opening out the heart into presence. Not the presence of another necessarily (although that is a part of it), but the presence of our own thankfulness, our own pain, our own joy, connected to the other. And that language includes the space needed for the honest feelings of any residual anger or regret.

When my brother arrived, there was an abundance of presence swelling in the room to wade through. We held each other in that silence, but it wasn't merely each other we were embracing; it was all our father had given us in his 77 years of living. The same thing I was embracing when I was alone in the room with him. The same thing my brother was embracing in his car on the long journey to come to us. I instinctively knew that any words spoken then, at that time, held the longevity of the hours in the day, while the silent words inside were immeasurable, were forever, because the energy of those words is felt.

That is how we speak to the dead. That is always how we are heard. It must be through the heart. The head is useless. It is scattered, attempting to make a balm out of reasoning rather than response. Silence and presence are what can be done for our emptiness, our guilt, our regret and our grieving. Any time it is needed. To open out and feel.

You may call it prayer, meditation, reflection; but it is the language our departed understand and the language we desperately need to use. And if we are not there to speak words out for the living in goodbye, we are there to feel them out for the dead after departure. The language encompasses hours, days, decades of memories. The language is greater than anything we can say out loud because once a depth of feeling has been put into words, it is already diminished. That is precisely why silent prayer is better than a whole slew of words spoken by another. That is simply the nature of ourselves.

We cannot know ourselves or speak as clearly with others as the soul speaks to us through silence. That is why we light the candle in their name, why we yearn to be alone in the vast beauty of nature, why we gaze up at the night sky in wonder and live between feelings of grandeur and insignificance as we live between the space of an opening and a closing door.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

There's nothing spooky about informing yourself. It's only spooky if you don't!

Pick up the printed information you will need, at the October Death & Dying pop-up: 125 Downie Street, Stratford. Saturday, October 28, between 10am – 5pm. Town Crier Marketing space.

aquamation / cremation / cemetery information / checklist for funeral planning / ways to keep funeral costs down / what you need and what you don't need / green burial / wills / probate / MAID*medical assistance in dying / body donation / after the funeral

Brought to you by the James A Rutherford Funeral Home (Rutherford Cremation & Funeral Services)

What makes it hard for people to get prepared about anything?

Fears. Filters. Finances: And when it comes to getting information about end of life stuff – especially then.

But I am making it about as easy as it can be at the next Death & Dying pop-up on Saturday, October 28, 2023, between 10 am and 5 pm. 125 Downie Street, Stratford. (Just south of the Fosters Inn)

Walk in. Ask questions. Have a conversation. Or just grab the information that you should have. It's empowering and it won't kill you.

Information about: Wills / Probate / Cemetery / Funeral Preparation / How to keep funeral costs down / MAID / Things you need and things you don't / Body Donation / Cremation / Aquamation

If you want to know more about why it seems hard to prepare, keep reading... because it's not.

FEAR: Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or is a threat. In the context of what we are talking about here, there are those who have attached a superstition to their fear and it goes like this: “If I prepare now… I'm somehow going to die prematurely." Fears are most often irrational in today's world. We create a whole gamut of scenarios to feed upon and this one is like saying “If I buy this car, I'm going to have an accident." That's the nature of superstition and irrationality I suppose. They stop us in our tracks and our control walks out the door without us.

FILTERS: Our filters are more sequestered from our conscience. Although the mind's voice speaks to us constantly, the filter re-shapes our preferences, changes ideas around, adds words like “soon" or “when" or “tomorrow." The fact of the matter is we'd rather do this or do that right now. We cushion our world and ideas through the various filters of our desires, preferences and experiences. A good example of this is rationalizing smoking because “there are toxins in the air that could kill me anyway." Similarly, “why prepare end of life stuff when I'll be dead and won't know anyway." Believe me, I know those you care about will thank you. Guaranteed.

FINANCES: And finally, our finances prevent us from taking care of the act of planning. The thing about this one is that finances don't even have to come into the equation unless one wishes it. There are two kinds of preparations. A pre-discussion only or a pre-paid arrangement. Both take less than an hour. Both are miles ahead of doing nothing.
But you need the information first! Stop in and pick it up.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

Murmers of Mummering

There's a phrase that stuck and is freely used between my partner and I for each other. It sprung from an accidental slip of a word. When I first used the phrase, I meant to say “Okay, that's weird," but the middle word got dropped somehow and it came out “Okay weird," like I called her weird. So, now we use weird as a noun: like the thing isn't weird – we are! It's one of those “loving things" we say when the other did something particularly silly or we reveal a secret never before mentioned.

Now, not meaning to insult anyone, but I'm almost 100% sure you who are reading this have said or done some silly things or kept some weird secrets in your own lifetime. If you haven't, you're AI and should stop reading this! Darn robots masquerading as human! But this is not about silly things we've done throughout our lives. No. This is about strange coincidences and weird feelings we have in being who we are. A confession of sorts, of the eccentricities we have and never mention.

Have you ever heard of Mummers? Mummers were originally bands of elaborately masked persons who, during winter festivals in Europe, paraded the streets and entered people's houses to dance or play little games. (Probably wouldn't fly today!) It was a popular amusement between the 13th and 16th centuries. If you do know about it, you might have discovered it like I did – through Loreena McKennitts' awesome song “The Mummers' Dance" on her most awesome album The Book of Secrets. Why? Because she's awesome! Point is, under those strange and elaborate costumes and partaking in that weird and wonderful tradition, there were “normal" people doing silly and at least, in the course of their “normal" day – abnormal things. Neighbours that were next door and strait-laced, now dancing in your living room in disguise.

There are things in everyone's life that define them, but they themselves have no idea where this strange feeling or notion, desire or pastime came from. We think it weird too that we have such a strong affinity to something that we have no experience over or history with.

Best example of this for me would be the fact of my complete and utter adoration of Scotland, long before I even set foot upon its tartaned soil. When I hear the bagpipes, I get a lump in my throat the size of a walnut. When I see photographs of its rugged beauty my heart pounds out a few additional beats per minute. And when I finally got there and was standing upon the crest of a hill overlooking one of the many verdant green valleys of the Isle of Skye – I wept like a baby (but without the noise). My wife at the time, who was with me, gazed at me open-mouthed while I stood there silently watering the Heather with my eyes and she exclaimed “you feel like you're home, don't you?" It was all I could do through the emotion to acknowledge the truth of that statement, nodding up and down and up and down like a bobblehead.

Where did this come from?! My parents are from Germany for goodness' sake. My father's name Klaus, my mother's Helga (that should prove where they're from without a doubt), but they gave me Scottish heritage in the legacy of my name. The first name Stuart, middle name Kirk, and last name... well, okay, that doesn't ring true. But hey... I certainly told them numerous times in a tongue-in-cheek way: “Mom, Dad... you got the wrong kid." Although I knew deep down that German food and German traditions at Christmas were not going to be beaten by any other culture – sorry.

One more silly confession I rarely say out loud: I love winter! There… okay… I said it! Summer is my least favourite season! Yes, you heard me! Too hot, too lethargic, too lazy. And while we're at it – I love rainy days! Always have. Give me Scottish weather for most of my year and I'll be fine. Just didn't want to rain on your “it's a beautiful sunny day, isn't it?" parade.

But anyway, I guess what really matters here is that those eccentricities that we have, that we think are strange and perhaps can't be mentioned out loud, could be the best part of us. So, if you find yourself all costumed-up and dancing in someone's living room like a mummer, perhaps that's the time to remove the mask and show them who you are. Harmless. Beautiful. And full of wonder. Okay weird?

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

DID YOU KNOW: That Aquamation or Green Burial is the environmentally friendly alternative to cremation or traditional burial after a death occurs in Ontario?

DID YOU KNOW: That urns, vaults, newspaper notices and embalming are options not necessities?

DID YOU KNOW: There are three different kinds of wills that are recognized in the province of Ontario?

DID YOU KNOW: There is a lump sum death benefit of $2500 that you may be eligible for after someone dies?

DID YOU KNOW: There is a spousal or children's support benefit?

DID YOU KNOW: That MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying) is legal now for those suffering?

DID YOU KNOW: That end-of-life preparations do not only include funeral preparations?

DID YOU KNOW: That any pre-arranged funeral may be transferred to any funeral home?

DID YOU KNOW: That every funeral home contract will have “disbursements" on it that are largely under your control?

Why not take control and get your questions answered at the 4th Death & Dying Pop-Up. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23rd, 125 Downie Street, Stratford, between 10am and 5 pm in the Town Crier Marketing community space.

You need merely walk in, take the printed information you need regarding dozens of topics – and walk out. But rest assured, for those slightly bolder individuals who have questions, they will all be answered, and we may even have an interesting conversation along the way. It won't kill you!

Death positivity is the willingness to discuss death because it is human, and it is loving to do so.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL