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GREAT QUESTIONS / GREAT CONVERSATIONS / GREAT INFORMATION

Thanks to all who stopped in to grab printouts about all kinds of topics at the third Death & Dying Pop-Up. The FOURTH is on Saturday, September 23rd (between 10-5pm) at the Town Crier Marketing space. 125 Downie St. Stratford. Drop by and get some information that you likely don't know.

INFORMATION IS EMPOWERING. IT WON'T KILL YOU.

Today's post is timely, in that I've been asked about the Death & Dying Informational pop-ups that I have been holding at the 125 Downie Street (Town Crier Marketing) offices recently. What are they? Well – they are specific days at a specific place (not a funeral home) where one can come in and ask any question one wishes and pick up printed information about everything concerning death and dying. Such as: wills, probate, procedures, aquamation, cremation, costs, medical assistance (MAID), cemetery info, what is needed, what is not needed, and more. There are two still to come: Thursday, September 14th between 12-8 pm and Saturday, September 23 between 10-5pm.

Have you ever been asked a “simple" straightforward question by someone and realized the answer is not as simple as the question purports it to be? The reason for that is partially because questions, in their asking, sometimes hold within them all of the attachments and assumptions made by the one asking them. Here's an example: “Do you believe in God?" The question holds within it two very interesting things – an assumption that the person receiving it believes or does not believe in the God that the questioner has in mind; and the question implies that the person receiving it should give a yes or no answer. A more revealing and thoughtful question might be “what does God mean to you?" And so it goes with many things. The questions we ask are most often based upon the “yes" or “no" answer and based upon what we already think we know.

In any service industry, questions and answers can be a gauze that we shyly speak through or hear an answer through, but not as clearly as we would like. In a service industry, it is or should at least be recognized, that the person asking the question would not necessarily be fully informed about even the question they are asking. And so, it behooves those of us in service to the public, to clarify and inform. To not wait to be asked. The foundational word for the public to rest their conviction on is in the word “service" which implies a few things.

It should be automatically accepted, without doubt, that the answer to anyone's question be thorough, honest and provide additional information related to the question asked. As a professional in the field, there is a responsibility upon the giver of information. Hence, my posts, whether informational or philosophical are all written from the seat of “service." That is number one! That's why I absolutely love “the question" – because people have stretched themselves enough to ask it before I give them the answer anyway.

For the sake of healing in the world in which we live, let not your questions go unasked and let not my answers fall short! To clarify and inform is the very beginning of that service we are to provide.

It is, for that reason that you see that persistent “R" logo flash up on your computer screens each week. Because it's necessary to give the information. That is number one. It is that service on which we are privileged. A funeral home is a service provider after all, not a retail store. And giving information, beyond all else – even beyond compassionate care for family and deceased, is the first and foremost function when in service to the public.

Like you, I will need it myself one day. I want to live and die knowing that I have served well. It is, after all, one of the few things we have any real control over. And the information I give, well... I'm okay with doing that in any way that I can, because I know it won't kill you.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

THE ROOM

There's a silence sometimes, that rises in the room after they leave, after the conversation. I can feel it. It spreads out like molasses poured into a jar, clinging to the wall. Sticky. Not easily forgotten. It isn't so much the words that were spoken, but the sensibility left behind.

It doesn't happen all the time. It happens in those appointments when emotion reigns. It happens too, when we share ourselves. Their life, my life, their hurt… mine. Instinctual understanding. “I feel you now as I felt it then." It could've been the death of a baby. It could've been a parent, a mother, a brother. But already this death has affected life – yours and mine in some way not yet describable, and it's only been a day between.

I've known funeral directors who've said the job was to “direct": control the operations of; manage or govern. I've always known it to be “guide": show or indicate the way. That's where I sit when I'm across from them. Every one different, every one on shaky ground, every one grieving in some way whether they know that or not. They speak about their dead, but I hear love and devotion, I hear regret, gratitude, I hear anger or indecision. And as I said – sometimes they leave the residue, thick, of what they've told me – left behind like shed clothing that they couldn't wear any longer. Tossed aside on their way to the door as I see them out.

I recall, when I was a film student at York University and we watched foreign films to learn differing ways of filmmaking. In many Japanese movies the camera would hold on a room where a conversation or argument was taking place, and the characters would walk in and out of frame. And when the scene was over and they finally walked off, the camera held the shot for several moments – an empty room where something just happened. Forced to witness. Forced to reflect. The room becomes a vessel for all of the tragedy, the joy or the hope played out.

Sometimes when they leave the funeral home, the room swells like those in the films. It fills up with hope or despair. Sometimes both. Certainly gratitude. But that trickles in later, like a leak into the heart or from the heart. I'm not sure. A strange mixture of honour and shyness in making some difference in this sometimes helpless and hopeless world – born out of their loss and from the privilege of washing in the water of someone else's grief. Knowing that I will be the one who, for a time, is stronger than they, and will be a part of their support.

I hear tell of burnout. I've heard of dissociated care. I know that when the “job" is done, I should return home without an afterthought, but that's not me. I can't recognize myself within the world unless it's the world of all happenstance, theirs and mine. Afterall, I live in that space constantly and that space feeds and informs everything. The room in which I sit with them is the room of this city, is the room of this country, is the room of this world, and I will exit the room one long day in the future. Always the future.

And so, what can be done and how long can it be done for? I hope these days that I assemble into a life are worthy days. I hope that they say something. I hope that they show themselves to be fruitful in small ways – for friends I've known, for my beloved and benevolent daughter, for my partner who shares her sometimes beautiful, sometimes broken, but always bountiful soul with me… and for strangers who sometimes reveal themselves beyond a conversation about the weather.

I hope the room I'm in keeps breathing and doesn't choke on a sudden intake of breath. Too much shock or sadness. Slow and steady it goes; breathing in and breathing out. Filling it up with stories never completely forgotten. I'll listen for them. I'll feel the room filling – hefty breaths of pure and wondrous emotion. And all of it healing. Then after, with all affections spent, with the people gone and the door closed – I let the silence of the empty room where something just happened, rest, and restore itself to four walls and a few chairs.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

THANK YOU ... once again, to all the folks who stopped in to pick up information on all kinds of topics at the second Death & Dying Pop-Up today. The THIRD one is coming up on Thursday, September 14th.

Great conversations! Great revelations for some of you! And a privilege to inform! Keep those questions coming. It's my number one goal to give you ALL the info!

INFORMATION IS EMPOWERING / IT WON'T KILL YOU

cremation / aquamation / burial / wills / myths versus facts / keeping costs down / what to do after someone dies / how best to prepare / what are the two types of pre-arrangements / body bequeathal / cemetery information / there are no questions too small, too large or in any way “stupid."