Since the term “celebration of life" was coined to honour a life lived, there have been differences of opinion regarding what that means. I have come across folks who have been vehemently opposed to using that term, suggesting that a funeral should be exactly what they considered it always to be - a time for grieving, a time for healing and generally a sad event that should act as a comforting receptacle to place that sadness. Not a “celebration" of any sort. I understand that. Any death is a sad event in the culture in which I grew up, but not so in other cultures necessarily, and sometimes, not so through a very personal “coming to terms" which can be read as “personal healing."
In other words - all bets are off in the land of the grieving. What is important to recognize, however, in this world of quick responses, habitual distraction and blatant ignoring of the facts, is whether the time has been taken to actually grieve at all. And by grieving, I mean any number of synonyms that may provide the healing that should not be swept away unwanted. Reflection. Remembrance. Recognition. Honouring.
I think for those who oppose the term “celebration," they are perhaps thinking that simply the word implies one is HAPPY that they are gone! Not so. The term, rather, is meant to PRAISE a life that meant so much, to PROCLAIM that they are dead and yes - it is deeply felt, but worthy of celebration - all of the sadness and laughter and jokes, the favourite sayings and idiosyncracies, that made them so unique and so lovable.
In a word - for me, it conjures up the greater truth of someone, as celebrations are generally less traditional, less formal, more gatherings, and perhaps more open to recognizing that all of the person - the good AND the bad - meant something, taught something and made them uniquely who they are. I think in order to “celebrate" someone, you celebrate ALL OF THEM.
On the seemingly opposite end of the spectrum - there are also those who feel that if there is no service advertised, there is no caring, and this is simply and completely untrue! The two are NOT synonymous. Besides the two most obvious reasons for not having a public service: 1. the deceased did not wish it or 2. there are no family or friends left to warrant it - the important thing to keep in mind is that in some way, at some time, that person's life should be honoured. NEVER let a funeral home make you feel guilty about not conducting a service. In fact, they should do everything they are able (within the limits of timing) to help you with the service you would like to conduct yourself.
When my dear mother died, my brother and I knew that there would be virtually no one present at a service and so we held our mom's “memorial" in our living room. Family, wives, kids, slides, eulogies and conversation about her beautiful and devoted life. And it need not even be that kind of gathering. A candle lit, a toast in honour, quiet reflection is just as valid.
So, celebrate a life as you see fit. It deserves to be celebrated. ALL of it – the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful! You've blessedly and hopefully learned something from it. My partner's mom was an alcoholic. Her life was certainly a hardship for her and her children. It hurt my partner much more to traverse the cliffs edge of all of that praise, with no admission of that hardship. Stay true to them and your experience of them, certainly. Embrace it all, heal, toss it up in the air like confetti and dance if you feel the life warrants it.
A LIFE TO CELEBRATE / A DEATH TO MOURN
