At the age of thirteen or fourteen there was a seed of a thought that came into my head that started to grow. It started through a routine I had. It might have killed me eventually if I hadn't watered it the right way. And what, really, is the right way when you're that age? How do you know? I was a quiet kid. I was shy then. I thought about stuff kids shouldn't think about too much at that age, or at least I was told. The big questions. The one's that aren't answerable with a definitive “yes" or “no."
The routine was: I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face, dressed myself, went to school, did well in school, came home, played, had dinner and went to bed. And I did this, or a version of this, over and over again. I saw my mom and dad do the same. Except, they didn't go to school - they went to work.
That seed of thoughtful observation became a question and the question was: “what's the purpose in all of this?" And that question stayed with me for a very long time! In fact, it's still there, but now, it's a reminder only. I didn't hate school or my mom, dad or brother, or even the progression of days so much, except in the insistent presence of the question. Over and over and over again...why? What's the reason!? Sure, I had reprieves...playing street hockey, reading, doing art, playing the piano, etc... but when there was silence and stillness, the question was there. You can perhaps understand how it could feel like I was walking along the crest of the cliff. To this day, when I deal with someone who has taken their own life, the question looms large, right there in front of me – along with “what were they thinking?"
I can't remember exactly when the answer to my question came, and if it didn't literally save my life, it certainly gave the rest of it meaning: We are here to move this world and everyone we come in contact with, forward, in a positive way somehow. That's it, that's all. If we're not doing that, we're maintaining the status quo or we're doing the opposite. When we mirror outwardly, what our hearts radiate inwardly – our lives begin to reflect purity and goodness or... decay and indifference. And this is not some abstract idea. Science has proven it to be so. It's a very real, very practical thing that everyone can do.
How do you begin? You start looking at yourself as a teacher – because you are! Every one of us is. So, everything you do “out there" in the world, and think “in here" in your mind, conditions and teaches / teaches and conditions. If you're not literally a teacher of something, it doesn't matter. You're doing it anyway. If we physically or verbally hurt someone, we're conditioning ourselves to be hurtful and we're teaching it's okay to do so to get what we want or to relieve our anger. If we help someone out, we're conditioning ourselves to care and we're teaching that we are community. It's as simple as that. Try it with anything. Ask yourself “if I do this, how is it conditioning me and what is it teaching?"
Along with that comes one vital ingredient for the recipe. It's in every spiritual text from every spiritual practice down the ages - worded differently but meaning the same thing. To always and forever hold...COMPASSION: sympathy and concern for the suffering or misfortunes of others. Compassion is the membrane, through which the question “what's the purpose in this," should be filtered. If we aren't filtering our actions through compassion for ourselves and for others, guaranteed, we are promoting decay and/or indifference and not moving the world forward. Compassion runs deep! It conditions us for real understanding, for meaningful solutions. And what does it teach? I laugh now at how it's been the balm for my younger angst and my adult yearnings, teaching me up through the years from 20 to 60: I don't need to be famous / I don't need a whole ton of money / everyone is my family / I can always give something / uniforms don't scare me because underneath them is a person / tragedy and hurt hold lessons / there is a tremendous need for love / I am grateful for so much and, finally, thankfully - a seed of a thought will never kill me.
THE SEED THAT SAVED MY LIFE
