By far the greatest compliments I've ever received did not come from my parents, my partner or even my dear daughter. They came from strangers – and strangers at events that are typically known for their formality, and a certain amount of anxiety. They came at funerals. For years now I've had the privilege of speaking at people's funerals as a celebrant which can be a daunting thing in itself, but therein lies the compliment. For sometimes out of that bittersweet event, comes the stranger's question at the end: “How long have you known the deceased?" I still pause when I'm asked that question, and debate for a split second, whether I should be honest and tell them... “I didn't know them - well, not personally...I spoke with the family about them for an hour and a half a few days ago." Thankfully, everyone has responded with “It's like you've known them your entire life!" It's very humbling and I'm very grateful and I don't write this now (for goodness' sake) to blow my own proverbial horn!
It's just that, in the beginning, time and time again, I wondered what it was about these services, that made people stop to sometimes uncomfortably say “this is the best funeral I've ever been at" - and then check their enthusiasm.
I finally understand, it's not just the words I'm saying at the funeral. It starts at the “family meeting." While the family is going on about the joys, the sadness, the funny anecdotes, and the deeper pains they hold concerning the one they love...besides frantically jotting down what they're saying and whatever comes to mind...I'm listening with the heart, not the head, like it's a filter for the words to pass through. I'm not just interested in what they're saying but how they're saying it. I feel their pain through their laughter, their laughter filtering their pain. I hear regrets unspoken. I hear tenderness. I feel joy in the heart, bursting, for the depth of the love they shared...in other words...I feel behind the words to know who this person is for them.
In the context of someone's death it's understandable. But this needn't be the only place where this kind of listening is done. I can honestly say the world opens to us when we develop that kind of hearing in daily living. Suddenly that snarky cashier could illicit a helpful response from us like “are you alright? You seem upset," rather than “what the hell's wrong with you!?" Or we'd be more sensitive to the fact that people just have days of struggle as we all do, or someone's opposite opinion is legitimate to them, just as mine is to me and we can open a dialogue of trying to understand.
The point is that death, something we universally understand in our culture as being sad, so we can be forgiving for certain behaviours, doesn't need to be the only realm where grace in listening is given, when at all other times there's listening without hearing or not hearing at all because we're busy formulating a response. Maybe it's time to cultivate a listening like... "this might be the last thing I hear you say or the last thing I'm saying to you!"
THE HEART IS HEARING
